I have accent troubles. Growing up in the Medway towns, I didn’t sound like the others at school and would have other pupils complain and say, “you fink you’re posh or some-fink?”

When I went to university in Buckinghamshire, people thought I sounded common. Other students would comment that I sounded like Michael Caine or a Cockney and mocked me with “core blimey, governor.”

Now I live in America, and people are excited for me to talk. I get everything from “are you Australian?” to “you sound so refined.” And anything in between: “can you say ‘I’m Sherlock Holmes.'”

I had to learn to be more pronounced. I could get away with a bit of a mumble and a drawl in England, but not anymore. I still have an Estuary English accent but talk slower and louder to be clear, and it seems to be working. Michael Caine actually talks like this so Americans can understand him, and I guess I’ve copied that, so I now do deliberately sound like Michael Caine. It’s worked well, except with Google Voice.

I can’t ask Google Voice for anything. I have no idea what I’m asking for. I don’t know if it uses my location and thinks, “He’s not meant to sound like that,” as I’m assuming they have Google Voice in England.

This means Google’s ability to transcribe my phone messages is neutered. Last month, I edited my book and made a stretch to read and edit 4000 words a day. To keep me accountable, I left my friend Wes a message each day to tell him I had completed my task.

Google completely mangled my words, including “Hey Wesley”, which became “Hey Baby”. The next day I tried again using an American accent, and the results were improved but still not great. Here’s a side-by-side comparison.